it hurts

everything you people say to me, i know and i believe it and it hurts.

thinking of deleting both my blogs.

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i’m in such a sticky situation.

i don’t know what to do anymore, literally everything isn’t working and i just want to feel better.
about myself, about everything.
i hate talking to my friends about it because i just feel like i’m annoying them with all my pathetic, bullshit problems. i always feel so selfish saying things like this because my ‘problems’ are really nothing compared to other peoples’ issues. really, i just feel like i feel sad about stupid little things.
i don’t even know what’s wrong with me, like, i wouldn’t be able to tell you why i feel like this no matter how hard i tried.

i’m sorry to everyone that has to put up with this stuff. i’m really, sincerely sorry. 

I’ve had the most amazing day. My family is absolutely incredible and I don’t deserve half the things I have been given today, I really don’t.
I sit here, having a great life, better than a lot of others with nothing to complain about yet I still manage to feel this way.. I feel so selfish because I know I dont have the right to feel this way but I do. Whenever I’m alone, whenever I don’t have something to distract myself from the pain I feel it just rises back to the surface and I can’t look past it. I get in this state of mind where it just feels like nothing’s going right anymore and I just don’t know what to do.
I don’t even know how to explain it, I’m having trouble explaining it to myself let alone typing it out. I know it’ll pass eventually, one day it will be better, but right now I feel worthless.
I want someone to save me from myself.

Today, I’m going to be happy.
I’m going to ignore whatever the hell is going on in my head and look past it.
Sometimes I say stupid things because I’m trying to act strong but I really don’t mean them. So, when I say I miss you and I know I fucked up, yeah I mean that.
I’m actually feeling good about today and the next few weeks. So I’m excited :)

I miss your good morning and good night texts, and I miss how late both of us would stay up just to get that little bit more time to talk to each other. I miss feeling the happiness and love when I had you, I miss smiling stupidly at every little thing you would say, I miss hearing about how happy I made you and I miss telling you. I still remember when we first started talking and I remember the first time you told me you thought i was perfect. I remember the first time you said I love you and I remember our silly fights when we’d stop talking and a minute later you’d text me saying come back I miss you. I need that again, I need you again. But I let you go and you’ve moved on. I’m happy you’re happy but I hate myself because you’re not happy with me.
You were all I ever wanted